I have been exploring the dynamic of codependent relationships over the past year and would like to share what I am intuiting. I do so with great openness and a willingness to listen and to hear your experiences and insights as well. As such, this is not a stagnant examination, and I have reached no absolutes. Rather, I am simply delving more deeply into our relationship dynamics and the manner in which we grow and learn from one another.
Essentially, what I am seeing is that codependency is rooted in our need to "get" something from one another. This neediness can only be seen when we are truly honest with ourselves and when we are willing to recognize that we have a clear attachment to a specific outcome. While we might claim undying love, as long as that love needs to be reciprocated in any particular manner, there is attachment involved. Thus, the love is neither an authentic nor an unconditional expression. Instead, it is codependent and as a result, quite limiting to our personal growth. For instance, we might think: I will love you as long as you do this or that for me. We can fill in the blank with whatever we like as our desires show up in a myriad of ways and change on a daily basis. Of course, most of our joint codependency goes on with little or no awareness. Thus, it spills over into the dysfunctional drama, competition and suffering that takes place all around us. So if we can see this tendency in ourselves, then we instantly have a great advantage.
As always, it is only in the light of awareness that there is a possibility of change.
Compassion, on the other hand, is offered freely, without attachment or preference. We might imagine that this approach is impossible for it often becomes apparent that there are people who wish only to take advantage of our patience and compassion in a seemingly negative manner. However, when we open our hearts, what is considered abusive by the egoic mind, can now be seen with greater impartiality and clarity. And while codependency attaches itself to our weaknesses, compassion arises naturally from a space of great strength and self-acceptance. Being self-fulfilled, there is no sense of neediness. For example, Jesus and the Buddha did not have to share their wisdom with us; they did so because they loved us regardless of how we received that love. Moreover, in the clear-sighted eyes of the wisdom teachers of the ages, there is no other. Rather, we are all interconnected in this play of Lila, the dance of Life wherein all is seen in the light of Grace.